Our human community

I had a slip-up recently (the "cupcake incident") so that is probably why I said to myself this morning as I jogged by an overweight woman having difficulty walking "Do you want to be her?"  I don't like those kinds of statements/questions, because what does it say about the other person?  that it would be bad to be them?  So that probably explains my reply to myself, which was "yes!"  I'm wondering if this is the result of meditation.  We practice loving kindness and it has made me more cognizant of automatic judgments of others, both positive and negative.  It also might be the result of getting older and possibly wiser, and of not being blessed with a belief in God.   I am more and more aware of my need for communion with my fellow beings--human, animal and nature.  I want to be with them and I want to be them, or be "one with them."  

Later today, going out to lunch with a friend, we passed people eating ice cream from a local extremely good ice cream shop, a place I frequented in years past.  I thought, I would like to join them in eating some ice cream.  Ha, maybe that was the addiction talking, but it was also the automatic desire for communion with others.  This is not something I want to change.  I don't want to change my desire to be with others, to feel like I am one with them.  It's easy enough to realize I really don't want the ice cream (it really is too stimulating, and not that tempting for a million reasons that are not at all difficult to conjure).  I just have to recognize that automatic first reaction for what it is:  it comes from an inner goodness, not from something bad.

Insights from my vacation

I had lots of time to think on my vacation, while driving in the car, and doing my usual meditation in the mornings.   I focussed a lot on what I was feeling, and not trying to understand why at this stage, just observing and feeling.  But thoughts still happened and there were some real insights.  Here were a few of them:

1. It's okay to feel sad, lonely, angry, whatever you feel.  I think over the years I felt those were "bad" thoughts and tried to avoid them.
2. You don't have to become a better person or accomplish some goal(s) (such as losing weight, improving your health and fitness) in order to be happy.   Some of my best role models for happiness live in very unhealthy bodies.   This was was extremely liberating for me.   As important, accomplishing your goals does not necessarily make you happy.  
3. the meditation books tell me to face my fears.  I realized one of them is leaving the healthy diet and  losing my health again.  The reason for this fear is that I would like to be a health coach---so I have to be a good example, and that makes me fear I'll blow it.  I explored this fear and realized it's okay if it happens, because of point #2 above.  I can still be happy.  I'll just do something else.  Then the fear loses a lot of power.  
4. Finally, I had a very important realization about work and my goals for the future.  I'm not ready to talk about this on my blog but it explains a lot about my recent malaise.  Just knowing this makes me happier.  I can make a plan now.
5. and today, from the Fuhrman forums, someone noted that a lot of people seem to struggle and this person asked if there are examples of people who love eating this way and find it easy.   That gave me a nice perspective jolt.  I do love eating this way and I enjoy all the food prep and have it down pat.  In truth, I can't imagine eating any other way (making my fear in #3 start to seem more silly).  On vacation I saw more up-close what most people eat---the free breakfasts and "fresh-baked" cookies in the hotel, the food in the gas stations and fast food joints.  It was so fake-looking and ugly.  And it's harmful effects are evident in the people eating it.

I also noticed that hippos are nutritarians:

He was at a wildlife sanctuary, the only non-native species, but given a special pardon by the governor to live out his life there.  very cute.

Year-end Reflections

Here are ome things I learned in 2011

1)  I learned a few things about my job.  One is that I can get away with goofing off at work, but I don’t feel good about it when the day is done.  The other is related and has has to do with my attitude towards my low self-esteem.  Sometimes I think I’m not good enough to be pursuing my profession and that I’m no longer relevant and I should free up the space/funding for a younger person (yes, all dumb thoughts but fairly common in my competitive field).  I decided that whatever I think of myself, I should still try to do the best I can, because I feel a lot better about myself after a good day’s work, than after a day of goofing off at work.  So my plan for 2012 is to be the best astronomer I can be.  And if I’m irrelevant after that, then I will happily pursue something else.

2)  I had my own version of a happiness project (the name of a popular book, which I am reading now too).  I read several “positive psychology” and meditation books in the spring and summer.  I’ve posted about some of these here.  The meditation books were by Mingyur Rinpoche.  He is the first meditation author that got through my dense brain in a way I could understand.  I’d previously learned the concept of mindfulness but I didn’t learn to meditate.  Whenever I tried it, I got bored within a minute, and wanted to do something else, and quit.   Two things got me going on finally starting a practice: First, I learned from Mingyur Rinpoche’s books that meditation is simply learning to being aware of your thoughts.  You don’t have to empty your mind or reach nirvana, you just have to watch the thoughts go by, and when you forget and then notice it, you say, oops, and the more you say oops, the more you are aware.  One advantage I noticed about meditation is that you start to see fallacies in your thinking, for example, negative thoughts about yourself.   The second thing that got me going in my practice was that a tergar practice community started up this Fall in my town with meetings once a week right across the street from my office!   This tergar community is based on Mingyur Rinpoche’s teachings, the same guy whose books I had just read!  I think I felt so lucky about this that I jumped in with both feet.  I worked on daily meditation and eventually found I can consistently do a 20 minute practice right after I get up in the morning.  I worked up to that, starting with 2-3 minute practices.   I’m very happy with my adventure into meditation and I plan to continue this in 2012.  Even though I still feel like a novice, I can see that it has helped me a LOT already.  Our next class module is about meditating on loving kindness.  How awesome does that sound?

3)  I had the best holiday season ever.  On the outside, it was no different than any other.   But on the inside I had a completely different attitude than before.  I cherished my time with friends and family.  I adored our tree full of ornaments from friends, family, vacations, full of memories.  I considered our tree a piece of art.  I enjoyed listening to Christmas music.  Contrast that with my cynical attitudes from previous years:  I endured my family time; I viewed the decorating and shopping as dumb chores forced on me by society to boost the economy;  I viewed the whole season as something to get through and then get back to my life.  What a difference an attitude makes!

4)  I learned something about emotional eating.  I learned what we all already know:  I feel worse when I eat the wrong things and overeat for emotional reasons, than when I don’t.  Easy to say, hard to change.  But worth trying because each time you succeed, it gets easier next time.  I also learned that for me, making certain foods forbidden is a bad idea.  Even Dr. Fuhrman says in his books that nothing is forbidden.   I have a goal to go 12 weeks without eating sugar or refined grains because that is the time it typically takes to break a food addiction according to Dr. Fuhrman.  But it’s just a goal.  I told myself I can have an occasional treat, as long as it’s with the Eat to Live parameters, that is, under 5-10% of total calories.  I figure the really unhealthy stuff should be well under 5% of calories.  I’ve been doing this long enough that a once-a-month treat is enough to satisfy me.  The funny thing is, since it’s not forbidden, it loses a lot of its appeal, or maybe the downside becomes more apparent:  e.g., the cookies I usually crave are actually kind of dry and not all that tasty, etc.  I’m about 5 weeks into this 12-week abstinence goal, and don’t have cravings, but even during this time, nothing is forbidden.  If I really want a cookie, I can have one.  This was an important insight for me.  I’m hoping in 2012, that not just my eating, but my behaviors and attitudes toward eating will be measured and healthy.

I hope we all have a happy and healthy 2012!