Entering prison again

Sorry, this sounds awful but I'm kind of having fun with the prison idea.  Hey, it's February in Wisconsin, we tend to get a little dark this time of year.  Today I released myself from prison and had my two favorite cookies from the co-op:  cowgirl and pumpkin (both vegan).  They were good but kind of strange too. The cowgirl cookie was kind of dry but I enjoyed the chewiness.  The chocolate chips actually tasted kind of yucky but I enjoyed whatever drugs are in the chocolate--I think that's the real appeal of chocolate.  Unfortunately, it interferes with my sleep.  The pumpkin cookie tasted good because it was sweet.  But it left a funny chemical taste in my mouth.  Maybe that's the sugar.  and my mouth was a little slippery--the oil I presume.   My PB and J on manna bread from a few days ago actually compared quite well to these cookies.  It had that satisfying chewy quality as well, and I think I prefer the less sweet.  I don't even mind that lack of salt (compared to the cookies).

So overall, eh, it was okay, I can't say I want anymore cookies right now, thankfully.  I'm ready to go back into prison.   I know if I kept going I'd get addicted because that's what sugar and chocolate do to you.  So I'm ready for some walls to protect me.  sorry, like I said I'm having fun with this.  It kind of fits the situation:  You try to stay in prison as long as possible.  Well, how easy it that?  Probably not so easy.  That reflects reality pretty well for a lot of people I think.  When you leave prison it's probably both a happy and sad event.  When you go back in, maybe it's happy, maybe sad, maybe both.   At least maybe you don't have so much negative judgment against yourself---what's to judge about leaving prison?   It turns the shame on its head.

Update the next morning:  Last night I stepped out of prison again to sample a few more things:  Let's see, a small piece of white bread (from a "demi-baguette") with a dab of jam, a small bowl of spaghetti noodles with tomato sauce, a few lightly salted peanuts, 2 pieces of chocolate, and a few lightly salted chips.  Really, not a binge of any sort, just some taste tests (it was okay, nothing to write home about).  But boy do I feel different today.  wow, what a reminder.  truly fascinating.  the chocolate interfered with my sleep.  I definitely look forward to returning to prison today, and feeling normal again tomorrow.  Interesting too how I conveniently forgot about the consequences even though I've experienced this plenty of times to remember.  That's the power of addiction.  I hate to be stark but that's what it feels like to me.  Well, I have too many things to do to think about it anymore.  Have a great day everyone.  I plan to despite my brain fog!

yuck!

This post ("High Fat Foods Can Lead to Brain Scarring") from diseaseproof makes me glad to be in my nutritarian prison.  It's probably the only prison where you can say the food is good.  :)

I suspect that was a controversial post, but I'm not done with the idea just yet.  There's something about the limitations worth exploring.

Nutritarian prison

I was at a meditation workshop this weekend and heard the following story:   say you are looking forward to going to your favorite park to have a picnic all day long with your family and/or friends.  You are taking the day off from work.   You are really looking forward to this.  The day comes, you go to the park, then the police show up and say, you have to stay here all day long.  You cannot leave.  Then what happens?  You probably want to leave!  You do not want to be locked up against your will.  That is how the brain reacts to commands.  That is why willpower is probably not so effective.  It may not be willpower that makes people succeed, but other types of motivation.   I certainly did not use willpower when I became a nutritarian.  I just thought this was a fun new way to eat and cook, and it was producing amazing results so I wanted to keep on going.

Well, after several years of being a nutritarian, I sometimes feel like I am in a prison too.  I am so used to eating healthy that I can't tolerate the unhealthy stuff.   I find it easier to go 100% healthy than 90%.  But that means I eat differently from everyone else, all the time.  This is easily twisted into feeling that I'm not allowed to eat what everyone else eats, and feeling sad about that.  They are all provided snacks and catered meals from one of the best restaurants in town, and I am not!   They are raving about the food and I can't have any!   Rationally, I know I likely wouldn't like the oily, salty food, and the snacks are mostly junk.

Rationally I get positive messages all the time that I am doing what I want to do.  At one point today we were supposed to meditate on pain and I was one of the few people in the room with no pain to meditate on.  I'm probably one of the few who doesn't take medications.  My lunch and snacks were yummy.

So why am I still after all these years experiencing jealousy?   Maybe it's just a last step of dredging up some old feelings so I can shed them like a snake sheds skin.  Would that ever be a relief.

The workshop was great by the way.  This is definitely a fun new adventure for me.   Hard to believe I'm saying that about sitting around doing nothing.  haha.