I have been pretty out of the loop lately, but I am about to hand in my last major assignment before exams start, so I am going to start posting more.
I have a pretty short post today, but I felt like I made an important realization recently.
I had a bit of a personal crisis the other day. I was getting ready to go out and I put on a shirt that I hadn't worn in months. It was pretty loose the last time I wore it, so I expected it to fit not too badly. When I put it on, the arms were way too tight, so I decided not to wear it. When I went to take it off, I couldn't. My arms were too big for the sleeves and I couldn't get the damn thing off.
Now, a lot of people reading this will immediately shout "first world problems" and move on. I get that this is not a life-threatening issue, but for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, this situation feels like the emotional equivalent to breaking a chair or being nominated for Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (if that even exists).
It wasn't my finest moment. I started bawling my eyes out and ran to see my roommate, who helped me get out of the shirt. It destroyed my confidence. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the night and I went home early, which I have noticed has been a trend lately. I have been skipping a lot of social events or leaving early because I don't want to put on anything besides a baggy sweater and I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
I was texting a good friend about it yesterday, and she said something that made sense. She said that it wasn't my arms that were too big, it was the shirt that was too small. I had worn that shirt when I was obsessive, rail-thin and starving myself.
I haven't had the best semester, I have been depressed, unfocused and feeling terrible about myself most of the time. I realized that I was happier 6 months ago... when I happened to be thin. However, I'm starting to see that my happiness does not need to be correlated to my weight. Even if I were to lose weight, if I don't change my mindset, my mood is not going to change.
I realized that there is nothing stopping me from being happy at my current weight. A shirt is just a shirt, and most of the happiest people I know are not the thinnest. I can't just miss out on life because my body doesn't look the way I want it to look. My body may never look that way again, and I am definitely not prepared to live like this forever. From now on, my top priority is going to be self-acceptance. I am the way I am, I'm still damn cute and if just because I'm not known as "the tiny one" anymore, does not mean I have lost my identity. I am who I am, and bigger thighs can never take that away from me.
Thanks to everyone who reads this, comments and supports me. My friends and family mean the world to me and I couldn't make it through this without you.
Toodles!
