Good morning friends!
I need to have another one of my little venting sessions today. I try to take everything in stride, but sometimes things bug me and I just need to get it out!
So, I love my job and I love the people I work with, but not every part of the work day is easy.
Now, for anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder (or even those of you who haven't), you can probably relate to feeling uncomfortable at lunchtime (either school or work) because you feel like you are constantly being scrutinized for what you are eating. Am I eating too much? Too little? Do they think I have weird habits? Do they notice that I bring lots of salads to work? I really do like salad! Do they think it's weird?
I often got comments in the past about how I eat so healthily, which always made me feel like I was being watched like a hawk.
At my job this summer, sometimes I bring salads, sometimes I bring pitas, sometimes I bring whatever I find in my fridge and I am fine with it. We also have treats in our office on a daily basis, which I am happy to indulge in, and sometimes we go out for Mexican or other food. I thought I had moved past thinking ED thoughts at work, but lately it hasn't been so easy.
This was kind of a long lead up, but the main point I want to talk about is lunch talk amongst coworkers. I thought that since I eat with mostly men, that I wouldn't have to deal any of that triggering "diet talk" that a lot of women engage in over lunches (yes, I realize that is a stereotype, but it is often true).
Well, I think I hear more "diet talk" now than I have at any other job. One guy says he "doesn't eat carbs" and is always talking about how guilty he feels after eating ice cream, etc. Another is constantly talking about what he is eating right now to lose weight and spouting off calorie counts for any (delicious) food that comes up in conversation. He always refuses offers of food, saying that he doesn't give in to temptation.
We even had a potluck recently in which he decided not to participate. I helped myself to the array of desserts that people had brought and probably went a little overboard, although I didn't feel too guilty about it because I rarely eat like that. While everyone was joking afterwards about how full they were and how they needed to distract themselves so they wouldn't go back for the leftovers, he was talking about "willpower" and how the people who choose to over-indulge sometimes probably don't have any.
Well, this just queued a lot of triggering thoughts for me. I instantly felt judged, embarrassed, fat and hopeless. The guilt that I had not felt originally started to creep up to me and I was in a bad mood all afternoon. You can be proud of yourself for sticking to a healthy eating plan without making other people feel bad for deviating from theirs occasionally. Besides, I am firmly of the belief now that treats are a vital part of a healthy lifestyle.
This made me realize that there is really no way to avoid "fat talk" or negative, triggering influences. We live in a weight OBSESSED world and no matter who you surround yourself with, someone is going to be piping up about their diet or how much weight they need to lose.
It is still hard to be around some of these people at work, especially when I'm having some tougher days, but I am trying my best to focus on my own goals and realize that everybody's are different.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue!
xoxo
