I wanted to do a slightly more serious post today, but I think it's one that a lot of people can relate to. It's about body image.
My body and I have had a love hate relationship for years. My weight has been up and down and in various states of wellness, but I have never truly been at peace with it. Usually, whenever I was working out religiously and following my very strict eating regime, I was pretty proud of my body, especially when I started fitting into 00 jeans. However, one slip-up or ounce gained on the scale and my perception of myself became horribly skewed. I would all of a sudden become whale in my own eyes, even if I hadn't changed at all.
Throughout my eating disorder, my body has begun to define me. For a long time, I have been the "tiny" one (I'm also 5'1"), the "healthy" one, the one with "self-control". I have always taken pride in this, so any time I gained weight or ate something that I would normally pass up, I would feel like a failure.
Now that I am making a conscious effort to heal my mind and relax the way I think about food, I'm starting to think, "Why the hell does it matter?" If I am a few pounds heavier, indulge in a treat or have to wear normal-sized jeans, it doesn't change the person that I am.
When I think of all of my favourite people, the people I love the most, my love for them has nothing to do with the way they look or the shape of their bodies. I love them because they are good people, or funny, or interesting, or true to themselves. Now I realize that I have often neglected to develop myself as a person or put time into my relationships because I was too fixated on attempting to create the perfect body.
Well, as of now, I'm done with that. I have to put my effort into becoming a better person or learning more. I have to see my body for what it can do, not how many bulges I perceive.
When I got home from traveling in May, I was the thinnest I had ever been. When I saw the number on the scale, I was partly scared that I had wasted away so much, but mostly proud in a very sick way. I wanted to stay at that weight because it was some twisted achievement in my mind. I have actually been gaining weight since then. I fell into a binge-restrict cycle all summer and into the fall and felt horrible about myself for being reaching a normal weight when I had once been so skinny.
However, I have continued to work out and I'm actually much stronger now. I realize that I was weak back in May and now I have muscle again. I need to start appreciating my strength.
When I was in my hot yoga class the other day, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I realized something: I'm strong, my body is muscular, it can do amazing things! I used to dance competitively and I have kept most of my flexibility, so I can do all of the poses pretty well and look good doing them. In that moment, I started to appreciate everything my body could do instead of picking apart its flaws. Now that I have a little more weight and muscle, I also have a bit of a bum (or as much of a bum as a white girl with my build can have), and it makes me feel sexy :) Having a booty was just one thing that Sam mentioned in a great post about the best aspects of ED recovery here.
(Above is a picture of me practicing yoga on the beach in India at sunset. Perfect moment)
I want to finish off by showing you this.
I got this tattoo exactly a month ago. It is a symbol of the Hindu elephant god, Ganesh, who has a special meaning for me after the time I spent in India. He is the remover of obstacles and is supposed to bring good luck. I like to think of his significance in my life as someone who helps to overcome obstacles, rather than remove them. If we aren't met with challenges, we won't be able to appreciate all of the good things in life. We are always going to be faced with adversity, and I believe that it is the way in which you overcome that adversity that makes you who you are. I hope that facing these issues head on and working through them will make me a stronger person.
Thanks for reading :)
What are some steps that you have taken to love and accept your body after having a negative relationship with it?
What is your favourite part about yourself?
