I didn't end up posting last Tuesday because I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say, but I have had something on my mind lately and I thought it would be appropriate for Sloane's freEDom link-up.
I will start with my birthday party two weekends ago. I had a great time. I was surrounded by friends and my brother even came to visit. I drank (too much, oops) without thinking about how many calories were in the alcohol. This included creamy liqueur, champagne and sangria. I also ate several handful of the snacky party foods that we had put out. I even joined in on the pizza that my roommates ordered at 4am. I had 2 slices because I was hungry, I didn't feel terribly guilty about it and I didn't end of mindlessly stuffing my face in a fit of self-loathing. I ate 2 slices, savoured the cheesy goodness, stopped and went to bed.
When I look back at the night, I behaved just like [what I would imagine] someone who had never struggled with an ED had behaved. It got me thinking, "Is that what it is like to be recovered?" I don't even know what recovered is anymore. When do you switch from being "in recovery" to "recovered"?
I don't think it is possible for someone who has struggled with an eating disorder to never have any disordered thoughts ever again. A lot of the recovered bloggers I admire still admit to feeling occasional anxiety where food or their bodies are concerned. How much of that thinking is considered "normal"? I know lots of "normal" girls, who have never struggled with an ED who still get self-conscious about their weight sometimes or feel guilty after indulging too much. Is that ED behaviour, or is that just women being women?
I never reached a dangerously low weight, had to be admitted to the hospital or entered a rehabilitation program, so where others have clear distinctions about where they are in their recovery process, my journey is less defined. I never even engaged in serious purging behaviour, so there is no definite point where something like that would have ended.
Another thing that is hard to define is my eating behaviour. I prefer to eat clean most of the time, I pay attention to macros on food labels and I usually stay within a rough calorie range, provided my hunger is being satisfied (Please note that I am trying to move away from calorie-counting altogether, but for now my dietician and I are working with small, regular increases in my intake to get me to a normal level). However, what about people who maintain fairly strict diets to achieve fitness goals or those monitoring their food intake for necessary weight loss? When does it cross the threshold between being a diet or a way of living to being obsessive ED behaviour? I know lots of people who are very "food-focused" and anal about what they eat, yet they don't consider themselves to have eating disorders. Who is "normal" in this situation?
Admittedly, I have not been feeling great about my body lately. The weight I've gained has been making me uncomfortable and mirrors are not my best friend right now. The difference between my new self and my old self is that I am not restricting now to make up for the way I feel about my body or my weight gain. I am just continuing to eat healthy foods in healthy quantities and hoping that self -acceptance will come gradually.
So where do I stop being someone with an eating disorder and cross over to being someone who is just insecure? I know I need to improve my self-image, but I still don't know where I fit within an ED matrix.
I know that the way I ate and drank on my birthday was not something that I practice all the time. I care about what goes into my body and I am not going to eat greasy pizza everyday or even every week for that matter! But I do think that it was a major step for me and I also find that I am less obsessive about what I eat overall. When can I call myself a "clean, healthy eater who loves to exercise" and not a "disordered, obsessive eater who needs to exercise"?
Am I recovered? Will I every be recovered? What is recovery? Somehow, I don't think the answer will be easy to find.
