So, I am at my parents' house for a few days since I have a bit of time off of school. I have always had mixed emotions about being home. Seeing my family, good. Not much to do, frustrating. Fridge and pantry full of free food; cheap student says "Yay!", ED brain say "Oh hell no!" As I have been changing the way I look at food, exercise and life, these views have been shifting constantly. However, there is one thing about home that always seems to be there, the bathroom scale.
I don't have a scale at my own place and although I have thought numerous times about getting one, I have always used my better judgement and decided against it, knowing how easy it is to fall into a pattern of hourly weigh-ins.
The last time I weighed myself, I saw triple digits for the first time in a long time and freaked out. With time, I gradually accepted this and realized that, in most cases, a healthy woman in her 20s should not be weighing in the double digits and that I was really not healthy when I did.
However, it has been over 2 months since that time and I have not stepped on a scale since. In that time, my pants have gotten tighter, my shirts fit a little more snugly and I know for a fact that that number will be higher and I don't know by how much.
I know what you are all thinking. "It is just a number, it does not define who you are or how healthy your body is!" Intuitively, I know all of these things, but when you define yourself by a number for so many years, it can be hard to break free from that.
I want nothing more than to just accept whatever number I am. I know that I have gotten a hell of a lot stronger in the past few months and my muscle mass alone will add to that number. Not to mention that I am actually happy with a lot of the changes I have been seeing in my body lately. My skin is finally clear, my hair is getting thicker and I think that for the first time in my life I have a legit "badonk". However, I know from experience that stepping onto a scale has the power to lead me down an obsessive path that I do not want to follow ever again.
My dilemma is this: while I am at home with access to the scale, do I rip off the band-aid and start getting comfortable with the number that doesn't matter, or do I ignore the issue completely. I am worried that the longer I wait to see what I weigh (or am weighed by my doctor, etc), the more drastic the change will be and the more I will freak out, potentially leading me to rekindle some old habits. I don't think it is bad to know what you weigh, I think it is bad to be unhappy with that number when it does not define you.
On a side note, I did make a small stride in body acceptance yesterday and it felt wonderful. I hadn't been to hot yoga in over a month because I was nervous about being in a room full of mirrors in tight shorts...blah, blah, blah. Well, I finally got the balls to go to a class yesterday and I felt so much better! It was actually a fairly crowded class and I was at the back so I barely even saw myself in the mirror, but I felt like I looked amazing and the stretch and sweat was very restorative. I think that little things like this are helping me to be happier with my current weight the strength it has given me.
Ultimately, the length of time since my last weigh-in doesn't matter as much as my mindset at the time that I decide to do it. The more comfortable and happy I am with my body, the less that number will actually phase me in the end. The fact is, I don't really want to know what my weight is all the time, but I want to not know because I don't care, not because I am afraid of it. Right now, it is the fear that is holding me back. To weigh or not to weigh? That is the question.
Thanks for reading :)
What is your policy on weighing in?
