I have spoken a lot lately about how choosing to give up my ED has given me a lot of things: more energy, less guilt, good food, the freedom to listen to my body, this blog, new friends... The list is endless.
However, in the past 8 years, my ED has taken a lot away from me and I think it is important [even if it is difficult] to take a look at some of these things once in a while so I know what I am fighting to leave behind.
Friendships...
I knew for a long time that my ED was breaking down my friendships. Missing out on social gatherings was just one of the issues. I also realized at a certain point that by always refusing any food that wasn't "clean" or constantly talking about health and working out, I came off as self-righteous and judgmental. I can't blame people for not wanting to be around me in the past. Who wants to go out to eat with the girl who orders a salad and stares down the pasta and burgers even though she "doesn't eat that stuff", or more likely just won't show up? That is not going to be me anymore.
Relationships...
I am not blaming my perpetual single status on my eating disorder. However, I think that I most likely scared away a lot of people due to my uptight nature and lack of confidence. Even though I always tried to come across as fun and confident, when people got to know me, they could see through the facade I put on and realized that I had no love for myself. They say that you don't let people truly love you until you love yourself, and I can see now more than ever that that is true.
My job success...
I mentioned in yesterday's post that I had worked a job doing field research with honey bees this past summer, and while I know now that I am not the biggest fan of bees, I am ashamed of how much that job defeated me on every level.
I have always done well at my jobs in the past because I work hard and it is important to me to make a good impression. However, with the physical demands of my job last summer, I did not end up making a good impression at all. Although working long hours in the heat and lifting heavy things was tough on everyone, I would have done exponentially better had I been fueling myself properly. At the time, I was eating a very low caloric intake while working strenuous 12 hour days and working out on top of that.
I remember days where I would be standing in the field, about to pass out from exhaustion and hunger and refusing to eat because it was not the right time. I was often grumpy, I complained endlessly and I was not able to meet the demands of the job. Looking back on that experience, I swore I would never let this ED take me down to that level again.
My bones...
My dad's side of the family has phenomenal bone density. Example: at 75-years-old, my granny was told she had the bone density of a 30-year-old. Since I have my granny's build, I always assumed that I would have great bones. However, I know now that years of caloric restriction can put you at severe risk for osteoporosis. I am on the birth control pill, so I get a period, but if I weren't on oral contraceptives, I don't think I would be getting a natural period. On top of that, my granny on my mum's side had osteoporosis and my mum has osteopenia.
Unfortunately, I may have shot myself in the foot with this one already, but I am not going to put myself at any more risk than I already have. It just isn't worth it.
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Those are only a few things that my ED has taken away from me in the past, but this year I am not going to let it stand in the way of my health and well-being. I am not going to waste a minute of my 23rd year letting it take away the things that are important to me. This year is going to be different. This year I am going to be free.
