So I did not do a freEDom post last week. This was partly because I was busy getting myself together to start classes and partly because I was coming out of a rough patch and not sure of how to address it. However, I have been feeling more myself lately, I had a good session with my counsellor last week and I am ready to get a few things off of my chest.
The holidays were not easy for me this year. They are not easy any year, but I found them especially hard to deal with this year because I had been making progress leading up to them and I was convinced that they were going to go flawlessly. Not so much.
I will touch on some of the good aspects of my holiday first and then get into the challenges. First of all, I did lots of hot yoga and successfully completed the challenge I set out for myself to do 14 classes in 14 days. I was also able to enjoy some holiday treats without feeling too guilty, at least at the beginning of my holiday...
The first week at home was great and relaxing, but as the weeks went on, I started to get anxious, bored and lethargic. I overate a lot, sat on my butt, felt depressed and just generally wasted time. Apart from the yoga classes I was going to, all I did was sit around my house. My parents live out in the country and if I can't borrow my dad's car, I don't go anywhere. Let's just say that Netflix and I spent some quality time together.
Anyway, I gained enough weight over Christmas that a lot of my clothes are too tight right now. I am trying to be gentle on myself and realize that everyone gains weight over the holidays, but it is just so hard to keep that in mind when every time you go to do up your belt, you feel like it's going to cut off your circulation.
Then I started cutting down my intake because I got scared by how much weight I had gained in a short time. I know, I know, I hate to admit that I did that. It is the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but I hit a rough patch and went back to old habits. This made me mad because I felt like I had made a lot of progress before Christmas that I was now going back on. I had pictured this perfect holiday where I finally didn't worry about a few extra calories or a lack of structure and I failed miserably.
Shortly after Christmas, I decided that a holiday backslide does not need to define me and that I can start over. Where I took two steps forward and one step back, I can start moving forward again. I have been working out regularly, I have been eating lots of vegetables again and have started feeling better.
That brings me to the crossroads I am at now. My clothes still don't fit properly and it doesn't make me feel particularly good about myself. Before Christmas, I was finally at a point where I was nourishing myself better than I had in years, I was at a healthy weight and I felt fit and strong.
I would love to get back to that point (which would also save me having to invest in a new wardrobe), but the problem is that I don't want to get into that "losing weight" mentality. For anyone who has struggled with an ED, they will know that "just a few pounds" does not exist. I have never tried to lose weight with the intention of stopping and frankly I just don't know how. I will be seeing my dietician on Friday and I am going to talk to her about how I can get back to the weight I was at without sending myself in a downward spiral.
I want to be healthy, feel good in my own skin and be happy, which is where I was getting to before the holidays. I want to be back at that place, but I don't want it to come at the expense of my mental health. I am going to keep working out to feel good, eating my veggies (and treats of course!) and if my clothes still don't fit in a month, maybe it is time to accept that my body is happier with a little more meat. It might be an expensive adjustment if I have to buy new clothes, but if I buy things that make me feel good at my current size then I will be much happier than if I just tried to squeeze into the garments of my former self that I am still clutching to.
xoxo
