Gooood morning!
This is a pretty awesome morning because I wrote my most brutal exam last night and now it's over and done with! Yay!! Granted, it went quite badly. As in, didn't even finish, guessed on most of the multiple choice, sweating so hard I thought I was going to soak through my sweater badly. However, it's out of the way and won't have to take that class again, so I'm feeling alright regardless.
It doesn't hurt that I was able to just come home, dip into my chocolate stash and catch up on an episode of New Girl that my studying made me miss. Does anyone else love that show right now?? I think I fall in love with Schmidt a little more every week :)
I mean, just look at that face! Yes, I said face!
***
Now, what I really wanted to talk about today was something a little more personal. About a month ago, I made the decision to leave my ED behind once and for all. After 8 years of secrets, restriction, misery, hunger and isolation, I decided enough was enough. I had been telling myself I would start working on it for about a year, but since I hadn't talked to anyone in my life about it, it was so easy to just put it off for another day.
A month ago today, I went to see a counsellor for the first time. After that, I opened up to my best friend, my aunt, my brother and just recently, my mom. Shortly after that, I started this blog. I had been following so many blogs already and had seen the progress that other girls had made and I thought, "I can do that." Establishing a support network has been so beneficial in helping me to grow and recover. I now have people who I can hold myself accountable to and share my struggles with who I know will not judge me, and it has helped immensely.
Yesterday, I also went to see a dietician for the first time. I was terrified! I don't know why, but I was expecting to go in there, get a scolding for treating my body so badly and be told that I have to eat X calories per day or I will never be able to have children. On the contrary, she was so supportive! She recognized the progress I had already made and helped me to make a plan to get healthier. I'm not underweight anymore, but she did say that I'm not eating near enough for my activity level and that it could cause some problems down the road. However, she respected my need to make gradual increases in my intake and made sure to stick to foods I was comfortable with when making snack/meal suggestions.
Anyway, in this post, I just want to talk about a bit of the progress I have made so far and the things I still need to work on.
Progress:
- I no longer have any foods that are "forbidden". Nut butters, sweets, cereal, bread, chocolate, you name it, I can eat it. This is a big step for me in reducing the guilt I feel around food and making myself feel less deprived. It doesn't mean that I am comfortable indulging in them all the time, but they are no longer against my personal "rules".
- I have increased my food intake, especially in the mornings. I have been fighting against my habit of "backloading" my day calorically. Now, if I am hungry an hour after breakfast, I will have a small snack instead of starving myself until lunch.
- I haven't binged in over a month! It's really embarrassing and shameful for me to admit that I ever did it, but I think that being open is the best policy for me at this stage. The combination of seeking support and depriving myself less has meant that I haven't gone on a massive bender like I used to do when I was restricting so much. Those episodes just made me hate myself and want to restrict more, so stopping them was essential to my recovery.
- I have been working on accepting the changes in my body. I am getting stronger now and I am learning to focus on that rather than seeing myself as "bigger".
I am really proud of myself for making those changes, although I know I still have a long way to go. Below are some of the things I need to start working on next.
Current Challenges:
- I am still afraid of increasing my intake to a normal level. I won't give numbers, but I am still way below what I should be eating. I am gradually working towards upping my calories, but my body isn't used to more food and whenever I feel too full I just get down on myself, even when I know I shouldn't.
- I still snack when I'm stressed. No, not binge, but sometimes I have the tendency to go a little overboard at night if I am stressing about school or mad at myself for not eating enough, eating too much, etc. I need to get better at listening to my body, whether or not it's hungry or full.
- I still count calories. This is something that could take a while to let go of since I have had this internal calculator switched on for 8 years, but it's really not good! Calorie counting just encourages you to eat according to a number instead of according to what your body needs.
- I still can't let go of a lot of food fears. Just because something isn't forbidden anymore, doesn't mean I will eat it. I walk past bake sales almost every day at school and still can't bring myself to eat one damn treat! I am eating a little more now, but there are still certain foods I am absolutely terrified of.
Anyway, those are just a few of the most prominent examples I can think of. There are lots of little little things that need changing as well, but I need to take this thing in baby steps.
I will cut this post off now so that nobody's eyes fall out. Sorry for the abundance of writing and lack of pictures, but I thought those were some important revelations for me.
***
Speaking of changes, I have some blog advice to ask of all of you. I am thinking of moving my blog from blogger to the wordpress.com host site. Has anybody done this without losing a bunch of links and info from their blogs? Any wordpress.com fans out there who would strongly recommend it?
Just wanted to ask :)
Cheers!
Have you made any progress lately that you are proud of?
Any advice on moving a blog to another host?
