Hi Everyone,
I was really happy to have participated in Sloane's #freEDom link-up last last week, so I thought I would continue on from where I left off.
Last week, I posted what I had dreamed up to be my ideal vision of a future 100% free from an eating disorder. You can read it here to get caught up. Upon reading it, Chelsie made a very good suggestion to me. She said that, while the vision I had outlined was a great thing to shoot for, I should also think about the things that I truly want in life that go beyond just enjoying the food and company that I have been denying myself for years.
I guess that I have been hungry for so long now that the first thing I think about when I picture recovery is images of myself cackling hysterically while rolling around in piles of cinnamon buns (true story), but I really need to start focusing on my dreams for later in life that may not be possible if I don't give up my food issues.
I faced a bit of a setback this past weekend, when I was hanging out with my mum (whom I had not openly discussed my issues with before that point). She looked at me at a certain point and said that I was looking "a little heftier". Now, [after I broke down into tears] she explained that she meant it as a positive thing because I had been too thin before (I know she meant no harm and didn't realize how sensitive I was to the issue), but all I could see was myself getting "heftier" with each day of recovery and it made me want to go back to all of my old habits.
Now, I have actually been feeling really good about my body lately and know that I have gotten stronger, fitter and more toned in the last month, but sometimes it is still hard to block out the ED voice that tells you you were better when your leggings were baggy. In that moment, I took Chelsie's advice and started to think about what I really wanted out of life and how I was not going to let one poorly chosen word destroy that. Below, I wrote down what I saw.
In my future, I want to...
- find love and not be held back in my relationships by preoccupations with what I am consuming or the way my body looks.
- travel the world, climb mountains, try every local delicacy and step out of my comfort zone whenever possible.
- be that person who is always looking to try new things and be spontaneous.
- be able to have children who are healthy and for their happiness to take priority over my need for control.
- be a great mom (or grandma), who fearlessly bakes cookies with her kids (or grandkids).
- have a career that I love because I had the energy to chase my ambitions.
- think of myself as beautiful and sexy, no matter what age, size or shape I am.
- have strong, lasting relationships that I am willing to sacrifice my "perfect" routine to build.
These are things that I have always envisioned as a part of my future, but I know that my own insecurities have the potential to knock me down if I let them. From now on, I am not going to let fear hold me back from pursuing my dreams. I'm going to look fear in the eyes and knock it down with a hefty dose of confidence :)
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| Barely visible, but free as a bird :) |
What do you see in your future?
